By: Dr. Rana AlSairafi
When the topic of child abuse is brought up, images of sexual or physical abuse come to mind. However, a different kind of abuse is present, one that can lay deep roots and affect the child's personality and his future; it is abuse through excess pampering.
It can come in different forms. The following are examples of such an abuse: Making all the materialistic demands available without setting limits to what a child is allowed to purchase, not setting regulations for the child in consistence with his age in order to introduce order to his life, not holding him accountable to mistakes he commits or not assigning him any responsibilities around the house (chores).
Hammed is a sixteen years old adolescent, he describes his childhood as a "pampered" one. He was allowed all he wanted and opted for throwing fits of cries whenever his parents challenged his demands. He realized since an early age that few minutes of continues crying was enough to get him what he wanted. Hammed further adds that when the family went grocery shopping or other, he often purchased whatever he wanted. In the case were one of the parents wanted to teach him a lesson by not buying him a specific toy for misbehavior , he would throw himself on the ground, pound with his feet and scream as loud as he possibly could and within seconds, he was given what he wanted.
Hammed's friends describe him as a lucky person. But how does Hammed see himself?
Hammed states "Despite the fact that I got whatever I wanted as a child, a deep sense of fear was always present at the back of my mind. I felt that I was the only one in control and that my parents have handed over everything to me. I needed to feel that there are people present in my life who can make me feel safe and secure, who can protect me from hurting myself. This feeling only made me more stubborn and manipulative towards them"
Hammed continues "As I grew up, I put myself in many circles that led to nowhere; I was not able to continue any one assignment for more than few months. I was constantly complaining about my life. All the joy I had and the delights I owned did not make me content, as I sensed their presence in my life for only few hours after their procurement.
Hammed is the fruit of excess pampering that can destroy a child's present and future life. Excess pampering has various effects that reflect negatively on the child's life and set him up for an assortment of challenges as he grows up, all of which originate from one root which is positioning the child to see himself as the center of all that is around him and have his attention directed only at himself while completely disregarding other people.
It is not easy for Hammed to reconstruct his personality, as he has to alter what others have built in him during his childhood years and do it fast in order to salvage his future.
Children need to feel that their parents are able to set boundaries, control basic matters in addition to running their day to day lives, while allowing them space to experience freedom that is in commensuration with their age, developing personalities and level of awareness. Setting limits for what a child is allowed to purchase, the length of his play time and assigning him responsibilities around the house are among things that can play a constructive part in building his personality. Having other people in control of the child's life also serves to develop a sense of safety within him. Such limits and boundaries should be set in a way that is not too strict for children, rather they should be molded to suit their age and abilities while keeping in mind that the main purpose of placing them is to better develop the their personality.
