By: Dr. Soroor Qarooni
When she realized that she was pregnant with a child. She promised herself to give him everything she ever dreamed of, love, attention and care. She knows that her parents loved her.
But at the same time, it hurt her that they were unable to understand the challenges and the problems she was going through and the difficulties she used to endure when attempting to communicate her views on any one subject. It often appeared as though they were living in a different world from the one she was living in, as though the words she spoke were interpreted differently than what she intended for them to mean. Ahmed was born and she became a mother. She spent her days striving to build in him a strong confidant personality and reinforce the ties that connected them to each other. She managed to maintain a close relationship with her child until his early years in school, which was when the relationship started to gradually weaken. It reached its lowest point with Ahmed as an adolescent. She began to notice that she is living with her son Ahmed the same challenges that her parents lived with her. She came to realize that he was drifting away bit by bit and is openly stating or hinting for the same talks that she used to play in her mind over and over regarding the way her parents used to treat her.
One's instinct is among the most important blessings that God bestowed on man. It assumes a supporting role at times where an individual is mystified and faced with difficulties identifying the nature of matters. It is also advantageous when ones logic assures him that what he is doing is good, but a feeling inside of him tells him that something is not right. The inner feeling or this soft little voice that speaks to us from within ourselves is a very vital element, especially among children and adolescents who lack sufficient experience in life that can help them capture and comprehend different dimensions of any present situation. This inner feeling or ones instinct indicates that there is something that needs to be taken into consideration or this matter needs to be thought through and analyzed again or perhaps assistance from an experienced person may be sought.
Relying on our instinct and trusting the little voice inside of us is the primary and most fundamental factor for child and adolescent protection from abuse, extortion and exploitation. It is often strong in children, although it gradually weakens as they grow up. Many parents exterminate this feeling in their children at early ages thinking that they are helping them build strong personalities.
There are countless encounters that a child may go through on a daily basis that would contribute to terminating his faith and response to his instinct. For example, a child may tell his parents that he fears the dark, and the response he receives for that may be: there is nothing to be scared of in the dark. Alternatively, a child complains that his leg hurts after a hard fall on the ground, and the response he receives for that is: It does not hurt, go and finish playing. Another child feels upset and wants to cry over a subject that seems trivial to his parents, the response he receives is: This topic is not worth being upset about. A child may inform his parents that he does not want to greet a certain family friend or relative in kisses and hugs and just keep it in a hand shake , this child can simply state that he is uncomfortable when asked about the reason. And the response would probably be a torrent of harsh disciplining words and lectures saying that he is impolite and inappreciative.
Those were examples of situations illustrating the essential concept that children learn from their parents. What children pick up from the repetition of similar situations is "What I feel is not necessarily true".
This has a direct effect on the child's behavior and can alter forever his decision making process in challenging and critical situations. A child may not take a proper action when he feels that something is not right and he should practice caution, consult another person or ask for help to escape the uncomfortable situation or place that he finds himself in. When the child is being touched or spoken to in a way that makes him feel uncomfortable or disturbed, he is more likely to ignore his instinct that is striving to tell him that this is not right and continue to act as if all is normal. He could be startled with an unexpected act and fall a victim to abuse and harm. This could have been avoided through changing the child's behavior as when the child learns to associate value to his feelings and listen to his instinct.
Parents have a key role in helping children recognize their instincts, and an even more significant role in helping them understand the importance of listening to that little voice within them and not rejecting it. The least any parent can do is not to deny his child's feelings but attempt to address what he believes is not correct from his point of view. For example, if a child says that he is afraid of the dark, parents can discuss with him the causes of his fear and help him overcome them rather than denying the sense of fear that he is experiencing. This gives children a powerful weapon by which they can protect themselves from abuse and it further contributes to building a strong relationship between the child and his parents as it paves the way for the children to resort to their parents in various matters of life.
